420 ftw
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
