guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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