I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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