Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
