Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
