I'm jealous of your bromance
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
