He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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