She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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