Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
