I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
