ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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