he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
