You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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