Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
