Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
