apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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