i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I want a musical about memes.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
