You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Randomize
