You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
