you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
