Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
