**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
