Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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