i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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