who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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