I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
