dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
