end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Tell her she can't have a vagina
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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