Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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