I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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