Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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