The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
only you would photoshop your dick
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
