That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
