my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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