plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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