Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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