Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
