I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm way too hungover for life right now
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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