I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Pooping to opera.
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