there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
