I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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