In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
