Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
