I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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