i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
she peed on how many people?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
