dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
