Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize