its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
