What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Randomize
