I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
