can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
