We're like a lot better than the average bears
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
