Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize