Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
