I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
