The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize