I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
