I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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