woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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